Finding Grace

For all of you guys to get to know me, I feel you need to know my walk.  None of us are born knowing the grace of God.  Some of us are born into the church where we learn of his grace from early on. Then there are some of us like me, which had no clue what the inside of church looked like as a kid.  We all have different walks some darker and harder than others. But no matter how dark or how easy someones walk is God’s grace is still the same to us all.

Growing up I lived a very privileged life.  I honestly learned how to ride a horse by myself before I learned how to walk.  You see my parents trained race horses, and no not the ones running in the Kentucky Derby.  But in the Mid 80’s my father was the best quarter horse trainer in the South West part of the U.S. My life was amazing growing up I had some amazing horses at my finger tips.  We moved about every 5 to 6 months, and because of that my sister and I really didn’t have any friends.  And when we did sometimes we where to trustworthy to earn those friends.

You know as a kid we all have our dreams of who we want to be. We lay out the path that we will walk to become that person. You see the only thing in life I knew was horses. I was a natural on horses. I could break a horse at 12 years old, and I was galloping horses when I was 11.  And I was going to be the best horse trainer and Jockey West of the Mississippi. And the summer before my 5th grade year my dreams and everything I knew was ripped out from underneath me in one night.

My parents overnight decided to quite training racehorses and we left Orange County California and came back home to Texas. From that point on I felt like I was lost, and felt confused on who I was and what I wanted to be.  The fact was I could never get back in the horse business without my dad. Even though I tried it a couple of times later on in life.  So that really started what I would call my downfall.  You see my downfall was very slow methodical, so it didn’t happen over night.

So lets speed through some of the boring stuff in life and lets hit the high notes so to say.  I started smoking in 6th grade got drunk for the first time summer before 9th grade. Through out high school I was a chameleon, and always changing who I was hanging out with. One day I would hang out with the jocks and the next with the druggies. By my sophomore year I can say I was an alcoholic and allergic to weed. I remember once me and some of my friends were at a local small town carnival. We walked past my uncle who just so happen to be a southern Baptist preacher.  I had found out later he told my parents that I was messed up on drugs.  At that point I pretty much was clean and he was only foreshadowing what was to come in my life.

You see high school was tough for me. I was only 4’9 and 63 lbs my freshman year and never really grew. When I finally graduated and still to this day I don’t know how I was only 5’1 and barely 90lbs. And for a guy that size is not a good thing.  It is not normal to be told if I was a girl I would have the sexiest legs.  It is just not normal and when I finally graduated I got away from everyone I associated with in High School.  So at 18 years old I went back to my roots, well somewhat.

When I started riding bulls I felt at home, and it was the first time I felt like me. I was actually pretty good at it to. And those that know anything about it I did have one massive downfall when it comes to riding bulls. I didn’t want to let go.  And I was living to lifestyle of a bull rider and had become a massive alcoholic but still drug free. And one night that future was stripped out from under me. Some friends and I stopped at a friends to ride some new bull he got with no clown. My friend got hung up and I went out to save him and do not remember anything else.  From what the tape shows the bull stepped on my face and I never got on another one.

Once again I was lost and confused and a “friend” invited me to a club in Dallas and introduced me to ecstasy and that started my downfall full steam ahead.  I went from ecstasy to meth to crack. And the next two years was filled with drugs and sex and lies.  I was so heavy into the drugs I missed my sister graduate college. I left people and friends behind.  And is it something I will struggle with the rest of my life.  My mother walked into my apartment one day yanked me up by the ear and took me home.  And that started my walk of getting clean.

A couple of years later I met the woman who would become my wife and mother of my kids.  As her and I grew closer my struggle with drugs got tougher.  And one night after I came home after a binge and looked at my two daughters she looked and me and said ” you either get some help or we are gone”.  Over the next few weeks I was in and out of groups not finding the help I needed. Then I found The Finish Line lead by an amazing man named Todd.  On a Thursday night in October Todd led me to Christ, and I went 7 years without a relapse.

My next relapse was the worst by far.  I remember seeing the demons playing with the people I was around.  And next thing I know I was running from something, and I didn’t know what. As I came to I was behind a dumpster with no keys to my truck, no wallet, no phone, and no telling where my truck was.  I remember crying out to God to kill me.. Just kill me please I screamed… Over and Over again.. And clear as day Christ himself said “I am not done with you yet.”

I worked my way to the front of an abandon gas station and started crying for hours. An Angel showed up with a phone and I made the call to my wife. This is where the love of Christ showed through her.  And through this time I realized you can not live one foot in the world and one foot in the light.  So I quit drinking and gave everything to God.  And started to see a therapist. Cause in order to fight demons you need to know what the demon is you are fighting.

Mine was multiple things that I had to deal with.  Remember when I said that as a kid I was almost to trust worthy.  Well the biggest demon I had to fight was the one I filed away in the deepest darkest part of my mind.  You see when I was in 3rd grade I was molested over about a 3 to 4 month period.  On top of that I had issues with my appearance. I was extremely skinny at 5’10 I was only 120 lbs.  You see God makes us the way he wants to make us. He lets us go through things to help mold us into the person he wants us to be.

You see since I have realized the demons and turned everything over to God, he has wrecked my life.  I am stronger, I am more loving, I am becoming the person He wants me to be.   I have the privilege of being a leader in our youth group at my church, and leader for some amazing local missions that we focus on.  And lately I have helped a friend start a new mission focusing on men and the walls that we have to break down.

But I have to say that being the father and seeing God work miracles in my marriage. Some of things I have done to my wife and my kids would end a marriage in a heart beat.  But with a Christ centered marriage it can take anything.  And you know the day I gave my life to Christ I never craved the drugs again.  And I haven’t but I have to battle my past daily. I have to forgive myself daily.  One of the biggest issues I had was not forgiving myself.  But when we think about it if God can forgive us why can’t we? Are we better than God? Or if we don’t forgive ourselves but God does, doesn’t that make us  hypercritical.

Author: Grace of the King

Recovered addict father and husband. Most say you can't recover from drugs and alcohol but you can with the blood of the Lamb.

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